I've had several conversations and read several quotes/scriptures recently that have reminded me that life is not always easy, and that's perfectly okay.
Being a brand-new mom was/is hard!
My whole pregnancy was really pretty easy. Until labor. That was NOT FUN. I had diligently done the Hypnobabies training program to learn deep self-relaxation techniques that I could use during labor/delivery, but once my hard contractions started nothing really helped, except for screaming. I never pictured myself screaming during labor but I did basically the whole way to the hospital and until I delivered. When we got to the hospital, I went upstairs to change and Mario went to check me in, but then they called him upstairs because I was all ready to push. (By the time I had changed into my hospital gown I was already at a 10.) He told me that when he came in the door to the labor/delivery section of the hospital he could hear me screaming from down the hall. Then baby came and I was so happy to be DONE with that and so sure I should have gotten an epidural. But the nurses took little Dulce away because she was having trouble breathing and there I was, just getting sewn up from internal tearing as well as a 3rd (almost 4th) degree episiotomy and wondering where the intensely awesome natural high was that people talked about getting after giving birth, especially after doing it all natural like I had.
The next six weeks were mixed with ups and downs. My mom came for one week, and then my in-laws for three and I was incredibly grateful for their help. I don't think I would have survived without it! After they left I got pretty anxious about doing things by myself. I felt tired and really frustrated and guilty. My whole life I had been preparing to be a mom! I babysat hundreds, probably thousands of hours, since I was twelve. But here I was with my own baby and I wasn't loving being a mom and that made me feel like a failure. So I went in for my six week check up and when the midwife asked how I was doing I just completely bawled. She was the first person I had been 100% open with about exactly how I felt about motherhood at that time. I had made the resolution for 2013 to not complain as much, so I had not told Mario or anyone how I was feeling when I was at my lowest. The midwife suggested antidepressants and/or counseling, but I told her that if I was just more open with my husband, things would get a lot better.
And they DID! Mario is so wonderful and supportive and constant. He helps with Dulce a lot when he's at home. He's a great dad and an excellent husband. Things are getting better all the time. Being a mom is still hard, but good :)
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My scripture study recently has brought me to some scriptures and quotes that teach the principle of trials and their purpose and connection with faith. (Not that motherhood in and of itself is a trial, but it is a challenge!)
1) Ether 12:37, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
Though I try to stay as close to God as possible, when my weaknesses are most evident is when I reach out the most to Him. There is the wonderful promise that as we humble ourselves, those weaknesses can be made into strengths. This gives me the hope that someday I will be the kind of mom I always imagined myself to be!
2) Neal A Maxwell: "One's life...cannot be both faith-filled and stress-free... Therefore, how can you and I really expect to glide naively through life, as if to say, 'Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art! Then let me come and dwell with Three and fully share Thy joy!' ... Real faith...is required to endure this necessary but painful developmental process."
I especially like the quote by Elder Maxwell. Life was never meant to be easy! And I know that I would not enjoy a life that was always easy. My mission in Spain was really hard for me and I was looking forward to a break when I got home. I went straight to my last year at BYU, worked at the MTC, and lived with my sister. My major was Latin American Studies, so classes were easy, my work was a dreamy breeze, and my sister is one of my best friends. Life was easy. And it was fun! But I soon got antsy because I felt like I wasn't progressing much. So then I applied to Teach For America and once I was accepted and started working, life got hard again haha :) But the lesson I learned was important: I am not happy, not fulfilled when my life is easy. And I believe that as children of God, if we are striving to do the right thing, we should not be striving for an easy life free of stress, sorrow, and opposition. That doesn't mean to go out looking for trouble. For me it just means to try and not freak out when I'm going through something hard, because it's for a reason. As Elder Wirthlin said, "Come what may, and love it."
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